A New Start (again)
After previous countless failed starts
It has been agessssss of me not doing personal writing, my last personal writing was in October 2018. My project to write weekly under the blog fridaywithdiella also failed, I only managed to write 18 out of 52. The domain of that blog has expired anyway, so I move here.
There are so many clutters over my mind that somehow get me distracted from feeling content and the worst part is I felt far from Allah. My quality of ibadah (worship) has been so low lately, my shalat were not focus in the remembrance of Allah SWT. My attention was driven into something that does not even deserve that much attention to the point it outweighs the attention to Allah SWT. When the quality of my shalat is deteriorating, it does impact badly to other aspects of my life.
It resulted me being unable to feel content. The worse part is whenever that uncomfortable feeling strike me on the face, I grab unhealthy coping mechanism which is sleeping. I sleep and pretend I am just fine, whereas I am actually in trouble.
I took my phone and told my dear friend G, about what I have been feeling and the distance between me and Allah SWT that surely I am the one who take account for it.
She said, “We all should do muhasabah (self reflection) regularly.”
The distance that I create between me and Allah SWT resulted from the sins I do on the regular basis. The more sins I do, the more difficult for me to feel the joyous and tranquility in worshiping Allah SWT. It requires sincere tawadhu (humility) to do muhasabah and admit those sins as well as ask Allah SWT’s forgiveness.
Have you heard about deliberate practice?
I learn this concept from Grit written by Angela Duckworth, it is basically a purposeful practice that aims for refinement. Take example of shalat, I have been practicing shalat for more than 15 years. By applying this concept, the length of that practice become irrelevant, the focus shifts to the refinement I have achieved. Is my shalat quality getting better compared to last year?
I want to step into a new start (again) even when I know failures will be there, but in shaa Allah I will start again after failures and again.
Bismillah.
